Omaha Steaks Sucks

Well, Omaha Steaks has opened a retail location in Cranston's newest temple of ridiculous, suburban consumption. I had heard of them, and I had a coupon from the newspaper for a rather stupid amount of meat for only $50, so I figured to give them a shot.

Frankly, it wasn't even worth the small amount of money I paid. I bought a bag of amazingly expensive beef jerky which was the toughest jerky I've ever had and peppered to such an extreme it cleared my neighbor's sinuses. The filets were comically small with weak flavor and had a strange, rubbery texture to them. I've never encountered meat that felt this way, before.

The hot dogs were decent, but Hebrew National or Boar's Head are both better. The texture was off, being softer and more mushy than I like. The chicken was chicken, it's really hard to fuck that up. The stuffed baked potatoes were dry as all get-out which overwhelmed any decent flavor they had.

The salmon was overpriced and had a watery flavor. The texture was rather poor and gummy, and it didn't compare at all to fresh salmon from a deli or seafood shop. Maybe this is acceptable if you live in the middle of Nebraska, but we don't. We live right by the freaking ocean.

The hamburgers were adequate. Probably because even crap meat can be turned into decent hamburger. I'd rather buy good, ground beef and make my own patties. Saves me money, and I can spice my own meat.

The best thing to come out of the purchase was a weird, car-care kit that had a flashlight, screwdriver, pliers, (very) small jumper cables, and other bizzare shit. What? I can only assume it's meant as some marketing ploy for me, because unless you like grilling on an engine block (you fucking redneck) the only connection I can see between meat and cars is men. Weird, just weird.

REVIEW: Caffe Bon Ami- ***1/2 / $

I'm going to start reviewing cafes. Good places to get more than a cup of joe are pretty lean outside of the Providence area, and I figured it was time to start seeking them out. While I've reviewed a few non-restaurant places in the past, they all had the common thread of food service. In my cafe reviews, I'll check out places that serve primarily coffee.

After a big, hearty dinner at Feast or Famine, we decided we wanted coffee. Feast or Famine's espresso machine has been broken pretty much since the beginning of time, and even before then the espresso was only OK. I wanted a big, hearty cappuccino.

On the way up, I had spotted a cafe just before which looked very well-appointed and just screaming for a visit. And who am I to deny a talking building? Caffe Bon Ami is wonderfully appointed indeed. The chairs and tables look fabulous, there's a variety of plants in the corners, and the usual array of Italian-ish pictures purchased at Wal*Mart adorn the walls. Luckily, the rest of the place is well done enough where the few smatterings of tack don't ruin it. Overall, the place is very Euro-chic. Humorously, as of this writing, one of the key words on Google Maps for Caffe Bon Ami was "pretentious." A little bit, but I've seen much worse. *Cough*Mediterraneo!*Cough*

Large doors in the front of the building open up during warm summer nights to allow the front stone porch to fill with caffeinated coffee-swillers and some nice speakers provide enough music for atmosphere. They have a variety of Big Train Chai for some pretty standard prices, and a selection of random coffee and tea-related goodies (Like a nice-looking cast iron teapot). On one side of the cafe they have a selection of bean coffees for bagging and selling. While this looks really nice and adds an air of gourmet-chic, any coffee lover will tell you that open-air beans is the worst way to store coffee.

Service was very friendly and looked suitably bohemian. One of the women there was apparently a family member, perhaps the mother of the owner, judging from the picture on the shelf. Overall service is as quick as can be and produces some very good espresso. They have a wonderful-looking and well-worn semi-automatic machine (sorry for all the hyphens) in the back, and a large selection of teas, Big Train chai, coffee, espresso, and juices. They also have a good-looking selection of brownies, something with caramel in it, and other such gut-busting "immondizia delizioso." Nothing amazing, but a good selection to compliment the coffee.

The selection of drinks is one of the better ones I've come across. Since this is a cafe and not much else, this is a good thing. I don't understand cafes that serve primarily coffee and have such small menus. Diversify, for Pete's sake! Prices are competitive across the board. Three drinks came to about $10, very reasonable,♦ and they have an adorable selection of mugs and cups if you drink it there.

Tea, mocha, and chai were all ordered. The chai was... chai. It was Big Train. Very good, but it's very good everywhere. The tea was also excellent. The mocha was very well-prepared, with a good heap of dense, light foam on top. I requested whole milk, which is harder to steam than 2% or less, which means the barista actually knew what she was doing. Shocker!

Their cinnamon on top was sweet and not very strong. I think it may be a sugar/cinnamon mix, or it may just be sweet cinnamon. I'm not sure. Nevertheless, it was good. The espresso had a good, strong coffee flavor. Tasted Columbian to me, but in a mocha it's hard to tell. Big kudos goes to them for not dumping half a barrel of cocoa into the mocha. I find that lots of places think "the more chocolate, the better!", a crime even the venerable White Electric Coffee and Pastiche are guilty of, which completely ruins the taste of the coffee. Coffee and chocolate compliment each other very well and a mocha is designed to express that.

Overall, I was impressed with Caffe Bon Ami. It doesn't break any ground, but it does everything it sets out to do very well. The selection is wide, the atmosphere is excellent, service is excellent, and it makes no errors in its coffee offerings. They don't do anything amazing to really set it apart, but doing everything well is an achievement in and of itself, which raises Caffe Bon Ami to an above-average status that's totally worthy of your time and dime.

Caffe Bon Ami: ***1/2
Price range for two: $5-$15


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Caffe Bon Ami
1082 Park Ave
Cranston, RI. 02910
401-943-8400

Hours
Monday through Wednesday 7:00am to 5:00pm
Thursday 7:00am to 10:00pm
Friday & Saturday 7:00am to 11:00pm
Sunday 8:00am to 1:00pm

REVIEW: Feast or Famine- **** / $$

Feast or Famine has three locations, including a location on Mineral Spring Ave. in North Providence that specializes in take-out. I drove past the take-out location on one starving night, looking for something, ANYTHING, that wasn't fast food. I found Feast or Famine and was utterly dismayed to learn that a frozen pipe explosion early in the winter had rendered the location closed.

Luckily, they had a sign telling me about their location on Park Ave. in Cranston. I went. I ate. I loved. Feast or Famine is a gem to which I go once a month. None of the places have really stunning architecture, but they're attractive and comfy enough. The Warren location is easily the prettiest and a very nice place to have a meal. The Cranston location is right next to a Carvel where you can get some dessert (more on that later), and the North Providence location has a few tables, and during the day the busy corner on Mineral Spring provides a good view during lunch.

Service has always been friendly and quick. There's no sense of rigid professionalism, which is usually nice, since it frees the wait staff to be chatty and conversational. I like this. I had a waiter spill a tray of sodas on me. I found it funny and the event has befriended me the entire Cranston location.

Sometimes on slow days they give you crappy dinner bread, but that's one of only three complaints. Actually, not only is the dinner bread bad, they insist on giving you a small bowl of olive oil, as is trendy these days, and NO BUTTER. Carrabbas is able to pull off the olive-oil-thing, but that's because they pile in a blob of spices. Here, all they give you is olive oil and red pepper seeds. GIVE ME BUTTER!

So they did. :-D

Appetizers are headlined by chef/owner David Sepulveda's take on garlic bread. It eases you into his approach of wood-firing just about everything. It's thin, crispy, with a light topping of cheeses and garlic. It comes with three sauces. It is utterly fantastic. I mean, drop what you're doing and go get some.

The rest of the menu is backed by a strong selection of pastas and sandwiches. His sauces are all very strong, save for the pink vodka sauce. It's not very pink and it's not very vodka. The wood-fired pizzas are the star, though, and they are truly wonderful. While Al Forno's margarita pizza may be a bit tastier, their sauce is oh-so-delicate, it's twice the price. And Al Forno can't even touch the deliciously wide selection available here. Also, the North Providence location is so small that they grille the pizzas at the Warren and Cranston locations and drive them over, thus making them less-crispy as the fresh ones at the other locations.

A restaurant that feeds you as well as here for such little money is rare indeed. Sepulveda is still young, and as his skills grow, I can only imagine the food that Feast or Famine is going to produce. As with the dinner bread, not all is perfect. Most importantly, the desserts aren't made in-house and are totally underwhelming after the scrumptious foods they follow. If Feast or Famine nailed down quality issues with a few of the touches and sauces, and at the very least outsourced some interesting desserts, I could only call it one of the best places I've ever eaten.

UPDATE: 11/1/2007
After a number of experiences with the North Providence location, I feel the need to knock off a star for that SINGLE location. While Warren and Cranston still more than deserve the full four stars, North Providence's quality drops precipitously, obviously in the crispness of the bread, but also in the preparation. I've returned home with pizzas literally swimming in olive oil. Sometimes I wonder if the person preparing the pizza kept having micro-seizures as he/she tried to put on toppings. Don't even get me started on the pasta. The lack of skill in the kitchen and, if you don't get them home quickly, the sometimes gummy crusts, eats a full star. It's still the best pizza on Mineral Spring, but nothing special.

UPDATE: 11/10/2008
The North Providence location has been closed and the Cranston location, as of last visit, never appears to be open. I'm not sure what's going on, but it appears that the Warren location is the only one still afloat.

UPDATE: 3/10/2009
It's official. I don't know how long it's been, but all Feast or Famine locations are closed. Kicked the bucket. Out of business. It's really sad because their garlic bread was so bloody good.

Feast or Famine (Cranston & Warren): ****
Feast or Famine (North Providence): ***
Price range for two: $20-$40

Feast or Famine
1099 Park Ave
Cranston, RI 02910
401-383-7171 (No reservations)
Monday through Thursday 11:30am to 9:30pm.
Friday and Saturday 11:30am to 10:30pm.

Feast or Famine
2220 Mineral Spring Ave.
North Providence
401-349-0452 (No reservations)
Monday through Thursday 11:30am to 9:30pm.
Friday and Saturday 11:30am to 10:30pm.

Feast Or Famine
495 Main Street
Warren, RI 02885
401-289-0422 (No reservations)
Monday through Thursday 11:30am to 9:30pm.
Friday and Saturday 11:30am to 10:30pm.