Sunday, October 12, 2008


I used to eat a lot of cookies. I used to weigh a lot more. Perhaps there's a connection. Regardless, I don't eat a lot of cookies anymore because it's nigh-on impossible to find cookies made with butter. They're ALL made with shortening of some sort. Or I should say, partially hydrogenated oils. And, as we all know, those are very bad. Or more exactly, the trans fat is bad.

And woe be the one who wanders the cookie aisle with trans fats on the mind. It is an unwelcoming place. Everything looks so good, and yet it's all so bad. I mean, no, cookies aren't good. If you eat too many you'll end up dead in a piano box, but butter is better than shortening.

And ohhhhhhhh is it hard to look at Pepperidge Farm cookies. Every single one uses shortening. They sit on the shelf. TEMPTING ME! "Come on. Eat us. Eaaaaaut us. We won't hurt you. We promise. Those doctors are all wrong. We're GOOOOOOD for you!" Oh and don't think for a second that the 0g of trans fat means diddly. If the product has shortening, it has trans fats. It's a guarantee. The reason they can say 0g is because the shortening must simply have less than 1g per tablespoon, and the final product must have .5g or less per serving.

I have no evidence to back this up, but I suspect that after that regulation came into effect, we had quite a few products suddenly list a smaller serving on the box. Conspiracy theory, much? Damn right. Those pinko cookie commies are out to get us. And companies were so desperate to avoid listing any trans fat on their product, the ones that actually list trans fats per serving must have BUCKETS of the crud in their product.

I'm thinking about Keebler cookies. They actually list trans fats. That means you might as well eat poison as eat their cookies.

I have found solace in cookies from Europe. Dave's Market has constantly changing selection, and they usually have products from a company called Bahlsen. Their Butter Leaves and Choco Leibniz have NO SHORTENING. Nothing but butter. Beautiful, American, freedom-loving butter. Sadly, many of their cookies do have shortening, so always check the ingredients.

And while we're on the subject, take heart, you old fashioned-types. Oreo's, America's favorite cookie, are shortening-free. Well, the peanut butter Oreo's have some, but what weirdo would ever want anything but the confection perfection of a good, old Oreo?

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